Hey there,

Instead of writing, I was procrastinating with a newspaper article on interior design.

Then I wasn’t procrastinating, because I had my story.

Seven Secrets Interior Designers Don’t Want You To Know:

1. Interior design is all about lamps. You can replace an interior designer with a truckload of fancy lamps.

Bear in mind, though, lamps are for ambiance, not lighting.

Only use bulbs that provide about as much light as a hot carrot.

2. All interior designers want to tell you about their “Uncle Jeremy.”

Standard opening gambits include:

• that time Uncle Jeremy was a horse;
• you won’t believe what Uncle Jeremy found in Zsa Zsa Gabor’s kitchen in the 80s, and
• he’s retired now, but this space is so interesting, I’m sure he’d look at it for free, if you’d like?

But he is not their uncle.

He is their sire.

3. They didn’t want to be interior designers. Uncle Jeremy insisted. They wanted to be artists. Hence the tasteless nude statues.

At night, in the dim orange light of a hundred lamps, the statues shine with a feverish, bloated glow.

4. Interior designers will get rid of your practical storage space to make room for more dim lamps.

You therefore have nowhere to hide the awful statues, your vacuum cleaner, and the plastic bags you keep accumulating despite your solemn promise to Save the Planet.

5. Thank God you said that; I thought I must be going mad. The downstairs bathroom really is gone, isn’t it? I mean it can’t be, they must have just hidden the door behind some curtains or something. What about behind that big Triffid-looking lamp?

Let me check there… ouch!

Can’t we just have one proper light? For emergencies?

We’ll never find the toilet—or the cat—like this.

6. You know who can see in the dark?

Uncle Jeremy.

He sees everything as he crawls over the ceiling above your head in the hot carrot darkness.

7. Though mocked as being bland or boring, neutral colours have a wonderfully calming effect on victims.

This improves the taste of their flesh.

END

Back in 18th century Dublin, interior design just meant making sure there was less rain inside the house than outside.

That, and having somewhere to hide when the Fairy Queen came to visit.

In case she turned up hungry…

See what’s on the menu in A Grave & Dreadful Business here!

Chat soon!
Morgan

P.S. This is just one of the emails I wrote a couple of weeks ago.
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